Only you can change your life.

I have had something on my mind as of late and honestly it has kept me from writing. Maybe deep down I know that until I put this out there, there is nothing more important to talk about. I don't know why this got to me but it did. For the very first time, since I started writing this blog I received negative feedback from someone. I was told that I was self-centered, mainly because of what I write right here. My first thought was bewilderment because this person must have no clue what a blog is. It's about me, it's supposed to be what I think/feel/want/desire/need/dislike/fear/love, what do I know about what another person may want or need? What I write here are my thoughts and my thoughts alone. My second feeling was anger, if someone does not like what he/she reads here promptly move your mouse to the upper right hand side of your screen and click the little X because frankly I don't want or need you here if you are going to be negative. The entire point of all this to find encouragement and help from my friends and family to work towards a greater goal of better health and fitness, not listen to a bunch of negativity from someone who doesn't know what they are talking about. After the anger subsided it was replaced with enlightenment. This person was not being negative, this person is actually a fricking genius. I don't know why I didn't think of this before but being self-centered is the only way to get more healthy because literally NO ONE else can do it for you. If you don't worry about your health, then who will? Yes, your wife or husband or whoever will worry, but they cannot put in the work for you. Watch this, I will try:

"Hila, will you go out and run five miles for me?"

"Huh, for you? What do you mean?"

"I mean go out and run five miles but let me get all the benefits from it."

"Okayyyyy..." (what you can't see if Hila slapping me upside the head with a dictionary because this is absolutely ridiculous)

If you don't spend the time and energy focusing on yourself then you will never achieve your goals. No one else is going to do it for you. No one is going to get me to boot camp every day, no one is going to keep the burger and fries out of my mouth, no one is going to make me push harder in class, no one is going keep me healthy and fit. This is one thing that I must do myself. I am the only person who can be constantly vigilant about my needs. I am the only person who can make sure I achieve my goals. Others can help and influence me but ultimately this is my responsibility, it falls on no one's shoulders by my own. If someone thinks that is being self-centered then so be it, I will be self-centered all day long.

Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.

We have been back to Weight Watchers for about 6 weeks now and my starting weight was 229. I was steadying going down at first and then had a bad week (as you can see I gained three pounds, almost all the weight I had lost at that point). Last week we missed the meeting but made it last night and I lost another 1.8 pounds (current weight 226.8). So over 6 weeks total weight loss is 2.2 pounds. This shows me just how complacent I have been over a six week span. In one week I gained three pounds but over six I have only lost 2.2 pounds. Time to get this in check. Time to FOCUS!! I can do better than this.

This is even a more surprising chart. I first joined Weight Watchers in 2007 over 7 years and look how much my weight has fluctuated, looks like the Dow Jones... Starting weight was 240 pounds and in 2011 I got as low as 198.2.  

I really feel like a normal person can maintain just about even weight, not me. This is proof to me, once again, about my over eating. I need to stop cutting corners on counting my points, I need to stop thinking that it's okay to have multiple cheat nights, I need to stay focused on the plan over the weekend. There is no question that the weekends are the hardest. I like eating out, I like drinking wine. Just like working out, it's about finding that balance. I need to find that balance between holding on to what I need and letting go of what I think I want. Do I really want this extra slice of pizza? Do I really want this oh so delicious frozen Halloween peanut butter cup? You bet I do, but I want to lose weight and be healthy more. The more I focus on this fact, the clearer it becomes. Now the hard part...to stay focused.

FOCUS

There are two things I have been struggling with as of late, both of which have kept me from coming to class or working out on a regular basis.

1. Injuries - I used to think I was unbreakable. Never sick, never hurt, never broke a bone, just like Bruce Willis in the movie. Now it seems all I do is deal with injuries. First and foremost is my shoulder (which is the cause of all my other injuries). It has been almost two years since my surgery and I am not much better off. The doc said there was a chance that I would never get my shoulder strength back 100%. I think he may be right. I cannot hold the push up position for very long which affects all types of exercises, push ups obviously, burpees, mountain climbers, plank, and so on. Essentially what I have is an old crumbly rubber band of a rotator cuff left, just like the one in the back of your junk drawer. The elasticity is gone, because of this weakness on my left side my shoulder blades are no longer aligned causing a whole mess of back issues as well. I am a mess. All I can do is work through it and hope it gets better. I get discouraged that I can't do what I used to be able to do. The discouragement leads to doubt and doubt leads to laziness and laziness leads to skipping class. Add this on top of note two below and I am lucky to fit in two workouts a week.

2. Eli - Everyday I am not home with my son is a struggle. I wake up and leave the house before he gets up. If I workout I get home about 7 PM, an hour before he has to go to bed. Hila and I work together to get him fed, bathed and ready for bed. Before you know it, it's 8 PM. One hour is not enough time with him. This more than anything else has kept me from working out. I want to be home with him, to hold him, to kiss him, and one hour is not enough time. Yesterday Hila told a friend that she was off to pick up Eli from daycare so I could workout. The friend's response was "He still works out? After our baby, we gave that up?" Really?? Gave it up? We are trying to live a health active lifestyle there is no way we can give this up. The struggle is finding that balance between both. Anyone who has met Eli, or even seen a picture of him can see that he is quite literally the happiest baby alive. He smiles, he laughs, he barely cries. He is amazing. Hila and I have spoken many times about this and contribute much of his happiness to the fact that Hila was in such good health during her pregnancy. I mean she went to boot camp the morning she went into labor and still kicked just about everyone's butt in class. Beast mode level 1000. We need to keep this up, but how? How do you manage what you have to do with what you want to do? I have started thinking that working out is just something that I want to do, where it should be something that I HAVE to do. My old trainer said he could set his watch by how often I came to class, now it's once maybe twice a week. I have to get back to the old mindset of the level of importance of physical fitness. I feel like I am looking at a blurry picture of myself, I can see the old me there I just need to focus. I am still working all this out, how to manage this, how to fit it all in and still be a good husband and father. Maybe I need to hit the gym more, focus on weekend workouts, get up earlier and go to the gym. All of these are different than what I am used to but the course I am on now just ain't cutting it. I need to FOCUS on Following One Course Until Successful. That course will change, and change often but adjusting and figuring it out will make me that much stronger in the long run.

When nothing goes right...go left.

Something has been missing from my life for the past few months. I keep telling myself I can succeed on my own, that I can do this without the help of others but that is simply not the case. In terms of health and fitness it seems I have failed recently more than I have succeeded. I have a need to communicate with others about my achievements, whether good or bad, it keeps me honest. Without doing that I find that I can very easily lie to myself. I can eat this pizza, I can skip this workout and I will be okay. Wrong, wrong, and wrong again. I cannot do it on my own. If I could then I would not be gaining weight, steadily up and up it goes. I have been lost. My connection to the outside world has been my friends and family and this surprisingly powerful blog. It is not easy to share your thoughts with others but what I have found by sharing my thoughts and feelings with others is that the next time I am faced with a difficult decision it is easier to make the right choice because tomorrow I need to write about it. I have felt this way for as long as I have been writing this, but I see it so much more clearly now that I have not been writing. What has been missing in my life is accountability. Even if I don't write about it or talk about it or eat healthy food or workout, my body does not lie. I can tell myself all day long that it's okay but that fact of the matter is my body will prove my dishonesty. The shirt being tight around the belly is a good one but loosing up the belt a notch is just about the powerful honesty tool I have yet to find in life. Accountability. I have missed this word. I have been naive in thinking that I am stronger than my desires. I know that because I keep losing these battles. When faced with a difficult decision, I have been choosing that easier path, the path of least resistance. With your help I hope to overcome this yet again. I have been successful before and I will be again. I keep trying to take the well worn road in front of me, the problem is too many others have been down this road before, it's time to make my own path. It's time to go left.

Ask and ye shall receive.

I am fiberblasted...flabberblasted...fiberlglasted...oh geeze, blown away by how sore I am today.  I asked Kristina if it were possible to bring back the old tradition of playing Ultimate Frisbee this Thursday.  In years past Tom would bust out the bee and we would play maybe once a month for the entire class instead of doing a typical boot camp class.  Well as the title suggests, I asked and then received.  Needless to say, last night we played a killer game of Ultimate Frisbee and got in an absolute great workout.  I forwarded her the rules, ran out to Target and bought a Frisbee for her to keep with all our workout equipment with the hopes we can make this a little boot camp tradition.  I am more sore today than I have been the past couple of weeks.  Maybe it's from all the jockeying back and forth, the small bursts of sprinting, the reaching and jumping to block and stop plays, but I am sitting here now one sore mofo.  My feet, my legs, my back muscles, even my lungs, great googly moogly I am getting old.  Not going to lie, I hurt...all over.  But damn did we have fun.  Fitness is not just about power lifting, or winning races, or being the World's Toughest Mudder, sometimes it's about finding a way to get in a workout and having a good time.  We did both last night and I absolutely loved it.

And if you are anything like Brent and his new shiner, this is not how you catch a Frisbee.

So we spent last night in Jail...

Holy moly what a week!  I am whooped.  As of this morning I have gotten in three workouts, one Burke Lake run and two boot camps.  I am so glad I was able to make it to class last night since we played Boot Camp Monopoly.  Good God I love this game.  It really makes for such a fun class and adds even a little more friendly competition to the evening (friendly being the key word here ladies).  I think it's safe to say that Brent and I spent the better part of the evening in Jail.  Eight times.  Eight friggin times we got sent to jail.  Let me paint a picture for you with my words.  Roll the dice, yeay a three, we do 20 leaping lunges.  Roll the dice again, a six, sweet making our way around the board, run three laps.  Roll the dice, two, pass GO, collect our check mark for one completed lap, do 20 bicep curls and 20 up right rows, hell yess already breaking a killer sweat.  Roll the dice, three, push ups - 20 regular, 20 wide and 20 diamond.  Roll the dice again, four...DAMN IT, jail, 20 burpees.  Now here is where things become interesting.  From Jail, Go to Jail is exactly one roll of the dice away if you roll a six, oh how I hate you Mr. Six.  So what do we do, we roll a six, Go to Jail, 20 more burpees.  New burpee count - 40.  "Brent roll again, roll another six and I will beat you."  Six, DAMN IT!!  20 more burpees, new updated burpee count - 60.  I am picturing the movie Groundhog day because this keeps again, and again, and again.  Eat, sleep, burpee, repeat.  End of class total burpee count - 160.  Let me do some slight mathematics for you, that is a shit-ton of burpees.  The word of the day today is ouch.  Legs - ouch, arms/shoulders - ouch.  Ouch, ouch, ouch.  Good God I friggin love it.  Here are some pics of what all this madness looks like from the parking garage, thank you Kristina for all the pics!!

Us in Jail, burpeeing it up.

Brent, what happened to you head?

This week started week one of my 10 week training program for the Army 10 Miler coming up in October, and so far I only have run once so I definitely need to get in a weekend run fo sho.  Here is my training plan for the next 9.5 weeks.  I made this myself but am essentially following a 10 mile Hal Higdon training plan just slightly modified to accommodate my workout routine.  This may change slightly some days but ideally this is what I am going to try and follow.  I am nervous even putting this next sentence into words but (deep breath) here is goes.  My goal for this race it to beat all other times of any previously run 10 miler.  Whew, that has hard to get out.  I am scared, I am nervous.  I always seem to struggle with the training, things come up, this, that, yada yada, blah, blah, blah, it just doesn't seem to go well for me.  And that is my fault, I make it not go well by my lack of commitment.  Well I am committed this year and I plan to achieve my goal.  Best previous time was 1 hour 36 minutes (9:36 pace).  That is not very fast but it's fast for me.  Maybe this year will finally be the year I finally beat my wife, whoa that came out all wrong, I do not beat my wife, maybe this year will finally be the year that I run a faster time than Hila.  On second thought I am not making that my goal because she is a beast and will surely make me eat those words...

I am not a zombie...

Holy sore gluteus maximus, (butt cheeks, derriere, backside, rump, caboose, pick your term, I don't care, backside, bum, posterior, fanny, yes I can keep going) it hurts.  Tom once told me that best the way to crush a grown man was to thrash his legs for an hour.  That is how I feel today.  Offset squats, knee benders, side step squats with resistance, backwards resisted band running (yes you read that right...backwards, trust me it's hard), but it was the dang leaping lunges that are such a pain in the rear aspect, see I told you.  Those things are brutal.  I have spoken with three boot campers this morning and the very first words out of each their mouths were, "Damn I am pretty sore from yesterday".  And that was all before 8 AM.  Ha!  The soreness has not even set in yet and all of us are S, T, rugglin, tomorrow should be interesting.  Right now I am sitting, it's not so bad, but in a few minutes I am going to get up from my desk where I have been sitting for over an hour, and walk down the hallway by my receptionist and she is going to ask me if everything is okay.  "Why do you ask?"  "Well, Bobby, you are stumbling about like one of the Walking Dead."  "No, Betty, I am not a zombie, yesterday was just leg day."  Nothing is easy the two days following leg day...and by nothing I mean absolutely nothing.  Luckily for me there are two set of stairs I have to take to get to and from my office and the front door.  Yeay me!

Decisions can be difficult.

Life is full of decisions, big and small, that affect us one way or another.  For example, yesterday the decision was boot camp or run.  Of course boot camp is the obvious choice, it's a solid workout guaranteed to be killer, on the other hand so is a 4.5 mile run around Burke Lake.  Boot camp is also an all around full body workout, sure we focus on specific areas sometimes but there has never been a class that we have not used both upper and lower body muscles for something, running is just legs and cardio.  On the other hand I also have the Army 10 miler coming up in just over ten weeks (more to follow on that training plan this week) so an extra run here and there will do nothing but help me in the long run....get it long run, okay I'm done.  The weather was absolutely perfect yesterday so either way I wanted to be outside, both offered that.  As a recent father my son is now majorly influencing my decisions as well.  I get about an hour and a half with him on the nights I go to boot camp, maybe two.  After class I get home somewhere between 6:45 and 7 PM.  Eli goes to bed somewhere around 8:30.  One and a half hours, that sucks.  That is not enough time.  This was ultimately the deciding factor on the boot camp or run decision yesterday.  If I run Burke lake I am finished by or before 6 PM, that puts me home before boot camp even ends giving me an extra 30 - 45 minutes with my family.  Needless to say, that is what I did, I ran Burke Lake and it was glorious.  Such a beautiful night and I thoroughly enjoyed my extra time with my son.  It's tough to manage life, working out, work, family, and free time.  Decisions can be difficult.  How do you do it?  How do you fit in all the things you want while still making sure all the things you need are handled?  Every day is hard, there is always something that comes up, I guess the key is to find that balance that keeps you and your family happy and safe.

Difficult? YES. Impossible? NO.

I learned two small lessons this week which resulted in one larger lesson learned, all pertaining to me being out of shape.

1. You cannot go all balls crazy working out when it's close to 100 degrees outside when not in at least somewhat good physical condition. Wednesday was extremely friggin hot outside I honestly don't know what the hell we were thinking. We ran 1.5 miles before class then near the start of class we ran some stairs. Here is a perfect example of when my mind is telling me yes but my body is telling me no. My body didn't just tell me no it straight up stopped. I thought I could sprint the stairs, just like the good ole days, and still participate in class. Ha! That didn't happen. I pretty much spent the remaining 45 minutes of class standing there in a dizzy daze until my body was able to come back to the land of the living. Not the best of workouts but I burned some calories and broke a serious sweat. Lesson learned - take it a little bit easy until I get more into shape. There is no point in pushing 110% for the first 15 minutes of class if that means you can only push 60% the rest of class. Pace yourself, you will get there, it's not a race, it's process.

2. Even if you only have 30 minutes, something is better than nothing.  I had a small window yesterday of 30 minutes to get in a workout. I was considering running but due to the lack of strength training this week I wanted to work my muscles not just cardio. So I went with the 5-4-3-2-1 workout. My goal was to get in as much of it as I could in 30 minutes. In months prior I could do the entire workout in under 50 minutes so I thought I could keep close to that time. Ha! Again my mind telling me yes but my body telling me no. I am not one to manipulate R. Kelly lyrics but if the shoe fits...or when in Rome...or if you can't stand the heat, no that one does not work. Anyway, what I am trying to say is I only had 30 minutes and I found a way to fit in a workout. I was able to do exactly half the workout in 31 minutes, so I guess I really had 31 minutes available to workout, look I am not a mathmatician, or a good speeler, K? I made the best use of the time provided. Not going to lie, I am sore today from it. I tried to do as many of the push ups as possible on my toes (not my knees), I held and 8 lb. ball when doing the squats, and I added a jump to the burpees. Both my shoulders and my legs are sore today. You don't always need a full boot camp class, or a 5 mile run, or a full hour at the gym. As long as you do something, anything, as often as you can you are doing something good for yourself. I could have sat on the couch last night and read, or taken a nap, or done any number of things, but none of those things will help me achieve my goals of getting fit and losing weight. Even though I only did half the workout, look at what I was able to do, 250 jumping jacks, 200 squats, 150 sit ups, 100 push ups and 50 burpees, not too shabby. I'll take it.

The larger lesson learned here is it takes weeks and weeks and weeks to get into shape. No need to rush the results, they will come with hard work and dedication. I need to constantly remind myself to take it slow, workout everyday I can and it will happen. Yes it's going to be difficult, no it's not impossible but I assure you it's absolutely worth it.

It's called life and sometimes it gets in the way.

Well damn. 4:30 this morning came and went with just a few taps of the snooze button. I have zero memory of changing the alarm this morning so that tells me my body must have needed the sleep. Also skipped boot camp last night to attend to the sickly folks sleeping in my house. That means in order to fit in 5 days this week I have to workout everyday from tomorrow to Sunday. Sheesh. Going to be tough. Might have to fit in a morning run and an evening boot camp one day to make up the difference. No worries though, it's called life and sometimes it gets in the way. Can't workout tonight because we are going to see The Lion King at the Kennedy Center!! Nants ingonyama bagithi.... Cannot wait to see this show, it is one of the few I have not seen on stage.

From what I hear on the home front is that everyone seems to be feeling better now.  Even though I have gone three days without a workout, my eating has been on point. I even had two puddings last night, I know crazy right.  You never know what is going to happen at night in the DeLong household...

Success - What it really looks like.

I am tired.  I am tired of being a slave to food.  I am tired of being overweight.  I am tired of not having the body I want.  I am sick and tired of it all.  The change is coming, I can feel it.  The desire to be fit and lose weight has, as of late, been just that, a desire.  I have turned that desire into a need.  I feel the need to achieve my goals, not just try and achieve them.  I have not felt this motivated in many months.  I am distancing myself from over eating.  I am not much of a junk food eater, I don't sit around eating chips and candy.  My issue is overeating, always has been, I have a hollow leg.  I do not posses that switch in my brain that says stop eating, but with this new Simply Filling plan, I am learning to find it.  I feel fuller when I eat.  I mean how many bananas and peaches can you really sit down and eat?  A plate full of chicken, rice, and veggies seems to fill me up and keep me feeling full longer than a burger a fries.  I don't know the science behind it but it is working.  Go figure good healthy foods are better for you, who knew??  After two weeks I already feel better.  I was able to fit in five workouts last week.  Woke up Friday and ran five miles before work, let me tell you after the run, then working all day, then spending some time with the fam, I slept like a baby Friday night.  Took the bike out for an hour or so on Saturday and I still have the sore behind to remind me of the first ride of the season.  Wanted to get a run in yesterday but I have a house full of sick people so after some Pho and much needed rest the run just didn't happen, oh well.  Glad I did what I could earlier in the week because you never know when you are going to get thrown a curve ball like a sick wife and baby.  WYCWYC!!  It's not about getting from point A to point B quickly, it's about learning why it's important to get to point B at all.

Goals for this week are to continue eating well and to workout at least five times.  Plus Dave Matthews is on Saturday so I need to be extra careful as that day will consist of many consumed empty calories if you are picking up what I am putting down here...

Sore today, strong tomorrow.

I hurt.  From my neck to my knees, complete and absolute pain.  But oh so satisfying pain.  The feeling of being sore.  I love it.  Three days in a row at boot camp this week, that has not happened in months and months.  Going for the three days on one day off plan this week.  Skipped the gym this morning to let the old muscles rest a bit.  I will be back tomorrow, bright and early at the gym.  The hard part is going to come this weekend when I will need to workout both Saturday and Sunday.  Maybe time to bust out the mountain bike and hit the old dusty trail since the weather will be so nice.  Speaking of which, working out last night compared to Monday was B, E, A, utiful.  Last night was gorgeous, much of the same today so enjoy all you outdoor workerouters, yes I just made that word up.  Goal for the coming weekend is to stay on track, eat well, and workout hard.  All of which are in reach as long as I keep reaching.  I can do this.

Weekend Roundup.

I needed to workout so badly yesterday.  This weekend was rough.  Dinner Friday night at Aggio, another one of Brian Voltaggio's restaurants.  Good but not great if I am being honest.  Service was phenomenal food was just okay, Range is better.  If you want a great dinner one night I highly recommend going to Range.  It's small plates so you kind of order four or five different dishes each and share, it's ridiculously good.  We wanted to try Aggio since it is a restaurant within Range and have loved all of his other restaurants.  Probably won't go back but we still had a great time.

Clockwise starting at the top left - Lamb Ragu, Roasted Artichoke Ravioli Soup, Lamb, Pork, Olive Cake.  I cannot remember the exact names but you get the gist.

Saturday night we went out with the friends for a night on the town.  Needless to say we are not 21 anymore and two nights out in a row, when drinking and being up late, while having to get up early and take care of a four month old is rough.  We did it though and enjoyed ourselves thoroughly, but I am glad to be back on a normal schedule this week.  The workout last night helped tremendously.  I was glad to sweat out all the toxins consumed this weekend.  Today I feel much better.

The good news for the day is I didn't have to wake up at 4:30 and get half a workout in at the gym.  My mom is coming over tonight to watch Eli while Hila gets her body combat on.  So that means another boot camp for me tonight.  That makes me very happy.  I will get three boot camps in a row which has not happened for many moons.

As far as eating has been going, other than parts of this weekend, I am loving this Simply Filling plan on Weight Watchers.  No counting, no processed foods, and what a perfect time it is to start this plan with all the fruits and vegetables they have at the farmers market now.  I mean look at my snack the other day.

My lunch from yesterday.

My breakfast from today.   Mmmmmm runny egg....

These are some great plates of food.  I feel so good just from eating good healthy filling foods.  I have not found that I am missing any of the other crap I used to eat to fill in between meals.  We will see how the weight loss goes but I can already tell that this is working for me.  See you at the Farmer's market on Saturday!!

Happy Birthday Hila.

There are some days that are more special than others.  Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, well today is one of those days.  Today is Hila's birthday.

I thank God everyday for allowing me to live my life in such a way that it brought me to Hila.  I have made many mistakes in life, many missed opportunities, many bad decisions, sometimes I think about these and wish things would have been different.  But then I think what if one of these different decisions would have taken me in a different path, a path away from Hila, and it's then that I know any decision I have made, whether right or wrong at the time, was for a reason, for a purpose.  That purpose is to guide me towards the woman of my dreams.  Not everyone finds that one person who is truly meant for them, their soul mate, their true love.  Somehow I did, I found her, although I didn't know it at the time, when I was just twenty one years old and I almost let her get away.  It wouldn't be until years later that our paths would cross again, but by the grace of God there were years and years of right and wrong decisions that somehow put us in the right place at the right time with the right state of mind.  I am truly grateful to be presented the opportunity to prove that I can love her, provide for her, father her children, and be a part of her loving family.  It is because of her I am who I am today.  I would have continued down a path taking me farther and farther away from what I know to be right.  It is because of her guidance, love, and compassion that I have learned to be the man I am today.  These words do not properly express how I feel or truly show my love for this woman, they are just words and anyone can write words.  The reality comes in the actions.  I have and will continue to love her, cherish her, and appreciate her every waking moment.  She is my life, my love, my friend and my wife.  She is beautiful on both the inside and the outside, and I am lucky to have her by my side.  Happy Birthday Hila.

Wow, I really regret that workout.

A gym rat I am not.  More like a lost puppy dog wandering around aimlessly looking for the best place to pee.  Today I made a mistake, I went to the gym without a plan.  Big mistake.  Thought I could wing it, I did wing it but I didn't make the best use of my time.  I need structure, I need someone who knows what they are doing to tell me what to do.  Even with several years of working out experience I was still lost without a plan.  Hell, I didn't even know what half the machines were for.  I was looking for the little stand where you can do sit ups or back extensions and came up to one and was like "is this it" then I see someone else doing an entirely different exercise on it.  It's intimidating.  It's awkward.  I know why so many people join a gym, go for a week and never come back.  They have no friggin clue what to do.  None, nadda, zip.  I almost know what I am doing and I still didn't have a friggin clue.  Boot camp is my answer to all of these issues.  Boot camp takes away all of the wonder, worry, and concern.  All I have to do is show up and I get a fantastic workout.  Someone else (Tom) sets up the workout and the trainer teaches us.  What do I know about switching muscle groups up?  Muscle confusion?  What do I know about some double cycle pulley system thing that without a picture on it I wouldn't even know what muscle group it worked?  Did I get a good workout this morning, yes I did, but I got a better workout last night in class.  Not just physically but mentally as well.  When it comes to working out it is so much easier to keep pace and cadence when someone else is counting for you.  When you do it on your own you take more breaks, you take longer between sets, it's just human nature to slow down when you are tired, it just happens.  The difference is when someone else is counting and pushing you, you are much more likely to try harder or get back into the rhythm more quickly.   That makes all the difference in the world when it comes to getting fit.  It's the pushing through the pain that takes you to the next level, it's the times it hurts the most that you are doing the best for yourself.  And as much as it hurts at the time I have never finished a workout and said I wish I hadn't done that.

The time is now.

I must say that things have been going quite well so far this week.  Of course things always seem to start off well, it's the beginning, beginnings are easy.  You're motivated, things are new, you have a strong desire to succeed.  The tough part comes later, once you get in a rhythm, once you get comfortable.  I have been too comfortable that past several months.  Yes we had a baby, yes I took some time off for injuries but each time I came back my head was less and less in the game.  I really thought I could get fit and lose weight working out twice a week, maybe I didn't truly believe it but it was what I was telling myself anyway.  Bad idea.  If you have convinced yourself you are doing what is best but you are not achieving your goals then you have veered off the path towards success.  I veered off, then took a U-turn and ended up in a ditch.  I needed some time to regroup and remember what is was I really wanted.  I want to be fit, I want to be healthy for myself but now also for my family, and I want the fit body.

The latest craze around these parts lately has been soccer and of course our US hero, Tim Howard.  After watching him defend against Belgium I wanted to read about his diet and exercise routines, because frankly he is a friggin beast.  He does Paleo which is not something I have really looked into much yet, but he said something when asked about his diet that struck me deeply, especially since at the time it was something that had been on my mind the moment I was reading it.  "Sure, I like ice cream, but when you keep a healthy lifestyle, its: Do you prefer sweets and crappy food, or do you prefer to have a nice body?  It depends on what you want more."  I thought to myself, I like ice cream too, I love sweets and crappy food, but I think recently it has finally started to settle in that I want a nice body too.  Not just that I want it but I want it more.  Just like the feeling I had yesterday was better then one hour extra of sleep, I want the fit body more than I want junk food.  Yes, I enjoy making a Bobby, with extra peanut butter, but that feeling of my clothes fitting better, or tightening up my belt by one loop, or that compliment someone pays you when it's obvious you have lost weight feels so much better.  Oh, so very much better.  It's time.  I am not getting any younger.  I have never had the fit body that I have always dreamed about.  There have been times I have come close but this isn't horseshoes or hand grenades, close doesn't count.  It's time to achieve, instead of just dream.  I am ready, and I accept the challenge.  Game on.  The time is now.

Last night I dreamed of success, today I woke up and worked for it.

So I have to admit the 4:45 wake up call was not too bad.  It's essentially only an hour earlier than I normally get up.  I made sure my bag was packed and ready to go last night so all I had to do was get up, kiss the wife goodbye and be on my merry way.  I have not been to the gym in a very long time, plus my gym has recently done some remodeling so I didn't really know what to expect this morning but I did have a plan.  My plan was to do a 25 minute interval run and then some upper body lifting exercises.  Because it was my first day and I was unsure of how long everything would take (other than the run since it was timed for 25 minutes) I probably will do things a bit different next time.  I had to find the locker rooms, figure out where everything was in the gym and then get situated.  I was also unsure of how long it would take to get ready in the locker room, different place, different routine, a lot unknowns.  So I got to the gym about 5:05, and was running by 5:10.  This is the interval run I did and really enjoyed it.  Found it through the interwebs yesterday.

After a few minutes of cool down walking I decided against the lifting exercises.  My plan was to be in the shower by 6 and on the road by about 6:20 so with only 25 minutes left to workout I knew I would only get through a few sets of a few different exercises and I wanted more than that so I decided to do as much of the 5-4-3-2-1 workout that I could with the remaining time.  I got through three 10% sets (10% = 10 burpees, 20 push ups, 30 sit ups, 40 squats and 50 jumping jacks) and then used the remaining time to work on some shoulder strengthening and stretching, only about 5 minutes.  I have been lax on my shoulder exercises and really need to devote some time to that, my shoulder is still so weak and its been over a year now.  Finished up about 6:05 and was in the car by 6:25.  Boom.

Now sitting at my desk I feel fantastic.  Ate a banana on the ride in, crushed another egg sammy and am now sipping some coffee.  Because I have spent the last several years working out in the afternoon I have forgotten about the feeling of being done with my workout by 6 AM.  Damn this is a glorious feeling.  No more worrying about the heat this afternoon, there is no way something can come up and distract me or take me away from my workout.  It's done.  I like that a lot.

That extra hour of sleep is not worth how I feel right now which is absolutely fan-friggin-tastic!!

We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are.

Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  That is pretty much where I have been that last few weeks.  I keep thinking that working out twice a week and barely following a food plan will help me lose weight and stay fit.  Let me tell you that it is not working one bit.  I have continuously been gaining weight and because of all the summer activities, working out less.  Miss a day here, miss a day there and before you know it two weeks have gone by and I have worked out twice.  Ain't cutting homey.  Time for a change.

I have spent a considerable about of time trying to come up with a new plan for said change.  As of this weekend I have made a decision.  Simply Filling.  Still part of Weight Watchers but essentially no more counting.  The idea here is to eat good wholesome filling foods and cut out all the processed crap.  Fruits, vegetables, lean meat, and whole-wheat.  Today is day one.

Hila made a trip to the grocery store last night and stocked up on all the foods to help me succeed. Breakfast today is an egg sandwich on a light English muffin with Canadian bacon.  BANGIN!!

Lunch is a pork chop with brown rice, asparagus and half and ear of corn.  Not much of a change from what I would normally eat except no white flour or processed foods and meats.  Snacks are cherries (totally in season right now so run out and get as many as you can, they don't last long), grapes, banana, apricot, and strawberry Greek yogurt.  Isn't it strange that all the healthy foods are from other Countries?  Canadian bacon, Greek yogurt, I wonder why that is?

My workout plan is still boot camp twice a week since that is all the afternoons I can fit in with Eli and Hila's workouts.  But the change here is to get up early and go to the gym twice a week.  The issue with this for me is I have to be to work at 7, so a morning gym trip means waking up at 4:45 and being at the gym at 5.  Ouch.  I need just about a full hour to workout then I need to shower and get dressed and still drive the 30 minutes to get to work.  This is not going to be easy but I will see how it goes.  Maybe on some days I will skip the gym and just run, either way I need to do something more because what I am doing is not working.

The time for change has come.  I have the same destination just a new route I am taking to get there.

If you have a goal, failure is impossible.

You are not hallucinating, there is no need to adjust the resolution on your screen, this is in fact an actual blog post.  Let me recap what has been going on the last month.

1.  So much for all the BS is said about making time.  It's hard, really really super hard to make and find time.  It's not BS at all actually but I have now had to deal with several outside influences that have changed my priorities these last few months.  Having a baby will tend to do that to you...

2.  Fear not!  I have been working out and eating well in my time of absence.  Except on the weekends.  I have been able to make it to class twice a week with a goal of working out on the weekends as well.  I am batting a solid .500 since not one single weekend workout has occurred.  Yet!  Hila and I are doing the every other day thing where I get Mondays and Wednesdays and she gets Tuesdays and Thursdays.  That is our time to fit in the best most killer workout possible.  For me that means getting to class a bit early and trying to get in a few miles beforehand.  Seems to be working out nicely so far.  I clocked 8 miles just last week.

3.  Army 10 miler - Number 3 is on the books.  One of the things I have been doing is running again.  At least once a week and somewhere between 4.5 and 5 miles.  I seriously love running Burke Lake.  It has not been too hot the past few weeks and I have actually had the pleasure of getting in a few rain runs.  There is just something about running in the rain.

4.  One of the reasons my time has become less available is because, actually let me back up first.  A few long term goals in my life have been:
     a) marry the most beautiful woman on earth - CHECK
     b) have the most beautiful baby on earth - CHECK
     c) have a sandwich named after me - CHECK
     d) have an assistant - CHECK

Note d) is what I would like to expand on.  Yes, I now have an actual assistant.  As a matter of fact right now I am dictating these words as he is typing them, no not really, but I could if I wanted to dammit.  Needless to say I have spent a substantial amount of time getting him up to speed on all the wonder that is me.  I feel like this has been a great accomplishment for me in business and I am quite proud of this.  Since we are finally getting to a place where I am spending less time teaching him how to do things like me, I am able to free up a few minutes a day to just do my own things.  Hence, writing aforementioned blog post.

5.  This has been a rough year for me working out wise.  Injuries, more injuries and having a baby.  I finally feel like I am getting back on track a bit and am starting to feel like the old me.  I can run a bit faster, I can push a bit harder, a few more weeks and hope to be setting the pace again in class.  Now, my goal for June is an ab working going around on Facebook.  I am very excited about trying something new and setting and achieving another goal.  I have based much of my life on goals.  There is even a sign in our office that says "If you have a goal, failure is impossible".  How very true that is.  You can always keep trying to succeed.  So my goal for June is a 30 Day Ab Challenge.  The first couple of days look easy but I am sure the last few days will be anything but.  Regardless I will do this and I will succeed.

Fingers crossed for finding and keeping time to keep writing.  I have missed you friends but I will be back soon.  For some strange reason we have decided to take on the task of trying to travel with a newborn...yeayyyy us.  So we are off to to the windy city for the weekend, so I doubt I will break my no-workout-weekend streak but there is a chance.  We shall see.

Good to be back people, good to be back!

The snowball effect.

Let's say I have a rockin few days when it comes to eating well.  Monday, BAM ate within my points.  Tuesday, BAM did it again, Wednesday, well you get the picture.  Then comes Thursday and we decide to go out to dinner.  I order a steak, bring a nice bottle of wine, eat the bread, get a salad, and maybe a few bites of an appetizer.  Okay not terrible but definitely a lot of points.  I skip writing down and say I'll just start fresh tomorrow morning.  Tomorrow being Friday...so some friends come over, we grill, we have snacks, more wine and no counting.  Wake up Saturday morning and say today is the day to get back on track.  2 PM we get a call, "Hey come over, is beautiful outside, we are sitting on the deck having a beer".  At this point we are now drinking said beer, enjoying some pita chips and hummus, drinking more beer and ordering late night pizza.  Sunday rolls around, weigh in coming now in one day.  I have not counted for days, what's the point in starting now.  I will enjoy my Sunday, and start fresh Monday.  This my friends is the snowball effect.  I take a teeny tiny little snowflake (Thursday dinner) and roll it down the weekend hill.  By Sunday that snow flake is a raging bull of snow, pizza, wine, snacks and fatty fat fat rolling down the hill straight to my waist.  This is just about how most weekends go for me.  This has to stop.  I need to allow myself to enjoy a meal but get right back on track.  My one meal seems to last be the better part of four days, and that is not okay.

Goal for the week, avoid the damn snowball.  Just because there is one bad meal or one bad day does not mean the rest of the week is shot.  I have mastered convincing myself that I will be okay, tomorrow is another day, I will worry about this later.  Yes tomorrow is another day but not if I keep telling myself to start tomorrow, to get it in check tomorrow.  Then it's just another day to be fat and out of shape.  There seems to be an endless amount of tomorrows, and fewer, "I killed it yesterdays".  I say let's start today.  I may fall, many times, but I just need to pick myself up and start again.

I am not going to let the snowball effect beat me this week.  It keep rearing it's ugly head and beating me.  I am stronger than this.  I can beat this.  I will beat this.

Distracted eating.

The other day, for no particular reason I decided to reward myself with food.  Not because I had eaten well for weeks and weeks and should be allowed a cheat day, I just thought to myself, pizza sounds good, eat pizza.  So I ordered an individual bacon pizza, because frankly bacon pizza is the only way to go, it's the dog bullocks, the mutts nuts, the bees knees, whichever colloquialism you deem necessary to describe something that is the shiznit.  So I sat at my desk and ate my pizza while mindlessly searching the madness that is the internet.  Click here, scroll here, watch a funny video there, and before I knew it the pizza was gone, kaput, no mas señor.  Where could it have gone?  I had a vague memory of eating it but no way could I have already finished this delightful pizza that was my reward for being me.  Literally the memory is gone, I could not remember the flavors, forgotten was the feeling inside that you get with you eat something that is pure deliciousness.  All I had was a full unsatisfied belly, I am Jack's broken heart.  Until last week's Weight Watchers meeting I never put a term to what I was then referring to as "the time someone stole my damn pizza", go figure they talked about this and called it distracted eating, that was lesson number one.

Last week I was sitting with Hila enjoying a lovely breakfast of eggs, Canadian Bacon, fruit, and my good friend the hash brown, toasted to complete perfection.  The deliciousness of this alone forces it to be eaten last, that is just how we eat food, save the best bite for last.  As we were talking, the was phone ringing, the baby was crying, and Hila looks as me, eyes wide with an empty plate, "I don't even remember eating my hash brown".  Once again utter heartbreak.  Lesson number two in distracted eating.

We are busy people, tied to our cell phones, our iPads, God forbid we don't reply to a text message within seconds of receiving one.  We have become a people controlled by this technology and it is making us fatter.  I can eat, a lot, if I am distracted I can eat even more because I am paying zero attention to what I am doing I am just shoveling.  As a family we have decided to try and disconnect, unplug, put the damn phone down during meals.  We used to eat all our meals in front of the TV, zone out and veg and eat.  Now eating at the table is the rule not the exception.  I enjoy my meal more when I am focused on what I am eating, I find that I feel fuller longer being more aware of what I just ate.  Go figure I also know more about how my wife is doing, we talk, we look each other in the face and talk.  Don't get more wrong, I love instant messaging, text messages, email, etc. just are much as the next guy but I am now working on a way so these easy means of communication do not run my life.  

In one instance above the interwebs distracted me because I let it and I cannot remember just how delicious my pizza tasted, or figure out who stole it.  In the other instance, life was the distraction and it got the better of Hila through no fault of her own.  It just happened, life that is.

The lesson here is to avoid distractions, disconnect, focus on what it is you are eating, sit and enjoy your meals.  Life will still be there afterwards, I can promise you that.

Let's go.

Oh how I hate Monday's.  I work as hard as I do so the days seem shorter, when the days seem shorter they go by faster, all in the hope that Friday comes along even sooner than expected so I can get a friggin day off.  We are not meant to work 40-50 hour weeks, it just makes no sense to me.  On a good day I get four hours home, other than sleep.  Four friggin hours.  That sucks.  We have become a people who work for the weekend, Loverboy had it right all along.

Ok, I am done bitching, at least for the next seven days.  So let's recap on the goals from this weekend.

1. Back on track - This was tough.  We had dinner out, we have friends over, and we had wine.  Not necessarily in that order but you get the picture.  I wrote down for the most part and I can easily say that I went over, by a lot.  We will see how badly tonight at the weigh in but I am still expecting a loss.  Fingers crossed for a half a pound.

2. Working out - Goal was four times.  Boom.  Goal met.  Bootcamp Monday and Thursday, driveway bootcamp class with Hila and our ever cheerful spectator Eli, and a bike ride yesterday at Wakefield Park.  The bike ride was not necessarily a sweat to the core type work out but I was active and it was beyond beautiful yesterday.

3. Help Hila - Check.  She has started Insanity while at home and if she didn't fit in a workout while I was at work, I made sure Eli was taken care of so should could once I got home.  At this point in time she cannot make it to her bootcamp class, not until we can find someone to watch Eli.  For lack of a better word Insanity is an insane workout so she is at least getting the best workout possible under the circumstances.  So that is good.

4. Blog - This one was tough.  I have been beyond busy at work and I find it harder to come in early to blog with a newborn at the house.  Regardless I did what I could when I could, and I am okay with that.

Plan this week is to keep up with writing down my food and continuing my four workouts a week.  Bootcamp and Weight Watchers tonight.  No more excuses....Let's do this.

Keep moving forward.

Just as I suspected, gained 5.4 pounds.  Ouch.  I now weigh 220 pounds.  Essentially in three months I have gained back all the weight I have lost since I started writing this blog.  Well one pound less, whoopdedoo...

Well at least I had a good start to my first day back on.  Boot camp last night was miserable, I mean marvelous.  The goal was to do as many rounds as possible in the 60 min of class (less warm up and stretching) so really 45 minutes.  Yeah... I saw on Facebook that other clients were able to get in 4 plus rounds, oh how I miss the good old days. I was able to do a little over two.  Others in class did three or a little over.  I will get back there its just going to take sometime.  At least now I know where I stand, next time I will do better.  That is the outlook I am going to have from this point on.  I may not be there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday.  Thanks Tom for the motivational words earlier today.  You honestly made me feel better, its about establishing a base and then keep moving forward.  I knew there was a reason we kept you around...  I have set a reminder in Outlook for thirty days from now, I will try this again in a month and see how I do.

Try the workout yourself and let me know how many rounds you get in.

I have a meeting this afternoon and cannot make it to class but my goal is to get in at least a quick (again the term is used loosely here) three miler.  I am ready and motivated after seeing the scale last night.  Back to counting and writing everything down today!  One step at a time but those steps keep me moving forward.

Sabbatical

²sabbatical

 noun

: a period of time during which someone does not work at his or her regular job and is able to rest, travel, do research, etc.

Yeah, yeah, that's a good one, I think that is the best word to describe my last two weeks.  Better than Suck-Ass-Lazy-Dipshit, because frankly that is not appropriate for a blog post headline.  Regardless I am back and ready.  

Goals for the week:

Get the frig back on track - Start by going to Weight Watchers tonight to get an initial weigh in on the books.  Estimated weight gain to be 5 pounds.  I will report back tomorrow with complete details.

Work the frig out - Starting tonight with a boot camp class, I truly hope I can even remember how to get there...  Four workouts, that is my goal for the week.  Maybe two boot camps and two runs.  Runs are easier (I use the term loosely here since I am fat and out of shape again) for me since I can do them at the house which allows me more time at home with Hila and Eli, or Heli as I am now going to start referring to them as a single unit.  Look, it makes sense in my head okay.

Help Hila to work the frig out - She has been cleared to workout now and I want to help her just as she has helped me.  I will do whatever shes needs with Eli so she can start back on the workout hot tamale train.  She is someone who greatly benefits from a good workout.  Much like me it's her stress reliever and for the past eight weeks she has not been granted that luxury.  That time has come to an end, I am here to help my love.  Let me know what you need and consider it done.

Blog the frig daily - I think that one is pretty much self explanatory, please feel free to reach me by phone, email, or facsimile transmission if you need further explanation.  Thank you.

Looks like a pretty good plan for the next 7 days.  Wish me luck, although at this point I don't need luck, once my mind is made up it's as good as done...

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one...

Okay, I have much to discuss.  First things first.

My trainer Tom Kalka with Custom Fitness Concepts (my boot camp program) is up for The Next Top Trainer with Men's Health Magazine.  Many of you may not know who he is but you can take my word for it that he deserves this nomination.  Other than the minor effort it takes to show up to class on time, I contribute all of my success to Tom and the program he has created.  Please, please, please visit the link below and vote for Tom!  Plus you can vote once a day, we need to work together to get as many votes as possible.

Vote Here!

Secondly, it's only been four days of eating well but I can honestly say I feel fantastic.  Just getting back on track for a few days has changed my general attitude recently.  That and one night of eight hours of sleep!  Monday was a rough day for me.  No sleep the night before, Eli was just fussy and awake for just about the entire night.  Even with two hours sleep I still decided to try and go for a run with Brent.  Big mistake.  I was beyond exhausted and the run was hard, real hard.  I had to walk three times, I could not get up any momentum, it was just a bad run.  That night the girls had book club at the house, to escape the chaos that is twelve women I went the room to read.  This was about 9 PM.  Exactly three sentences in I was passed out cold, dead to the world asleep.  Hila, bless her heart, let me keep sleeping.  She handled all the night feedings, changes, etc. and let me sleep the entire night.  I seemed to have forgotten what a full night sleep was like after five weeks.  It was glorious.  I woke up Tuesday morning feeling more refreshed than I have felt in many moons.  I was more productive at work, I was more patient with people, and I sat down and wrote my best assignment for writing class yet!  I felt like me again.  The past couple of weeks have been hard on me and I am beginning to think that so much of that has to do with lack of sleep.  Life with a newborn is tough and I am grateful for a wife who noticed that I was falling apart at the seams and allowed me the much needed sleep I was lacking.  Thank you very much Hila, one night I will bottle feed Eli and let you sleep the night, you deserve so much more but it's a start!

I am going to keep with the proper eating and hopefully make a weigh in on Monday night.  Goal for the weekend is to get in a run.  The weather should be frickin fantastic this weekend.  There will definitely be a Burke Lake run in my futu...wait a dang minute here...it may just be nice enough to bust out the old mountain bike.  New goal for the weekend, a trip to Laurel Hill.  Boom.

Accept what you can't change, change what you can't accept.

Everyone says the husband gains weight throughout his wife's pregnancy, sympathy weight they call it.  Well for me I did not even gain one single pound, yeay go me....until the baby was born.  Needless to say it has been a downward spiral of destruction since February 24th.  The overeating has gotten out of hand, eating out all time, ordering delivery simply due to convenience, neither of which are bad until you just order whatever it is you want all the time.  I am okay with treating myself occasionally but every single meal gets to be a bit out of hand.  Sometimes we gain weight and even though the scale says so you don't really feel it yet.  I can feel it now, I can feel it is my belly.  I am to that point where my pants are tighter, I feel it when I sit.  Time to get this in check, today.  As of this morning I have convinced myself to get back on the good food bandwagon.  It won't be easy, it never is, but once the decision has been made it's much harder to renege.  I don't want to fail, so putting a goal out there for all to see makes that decision to cheat or give up that much harder.  I am back on track with counting my food, if you bite it, write it, that is my motto starting today!  I easily lose weight when I follow Weight Watchers to the tee, the tricky part is actually following it.  I need to get back to going to meetings and not just occasionally showing up to weight in.  I can no longer accept this path of mediocrity, time for a change, time to shine.  See you on the other side.

Already need a few days rest.

I have been practically back pain free for almost two months...until yesterday.  It started in the morning and I didn't really think much of it, the doctor said it would happen so that's what I thought I was dealing with.  It progressively got worse throughout the day but I still felt like I could go to boot camp, especially after my recent motivational boost within.  So I get to class, start doing what we do and the pain is just too much.  I end up leaving class about 15 minutes early and while I am driving home I remember a recently forgotten memory from yesterday morning of me, while walking around the car parked in the street, completely biting it on the icy pavement.  I mean ass up, flat on my back fall on the ice.  I can't seem to figure out how I blocked this from my memory yesterday other than the fact that it did not hurt at the time, at all.  So now I give it a few days rest and see how I feel, then get right back to it.

You can actually see dudes face bounce of the ground.  Why is seeing people fall so funny?

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

The last ten days or so I have been in a funk.  Actually it is more than that, I have felt utterly unmotivated.  I was going to title this post "Unmotivated" but then I started thinking that is not a strong enough word.  The word I am looking for is "Uninspired".  I have not wanted to do anything other then be home with my family.  I have not worked out, not pushed myself at the office, not payed any attention to my food intake and frankly I have just been going through the motions.  The questions that have been running though my mind have been "why don't I want to workout" and "why don't I feel like working hard".  I don't know the answers to these questions but I have figured out that I cannot wait for inspiration to come to me, I need to go out and get it.

I think that I have actually made myself more lazy just by being lazy the last couple of weeks.  Granted I am still trying to figure out this whole fatherhood thing.  How I can do what I want while still being home for my son and my wife?  I work a long day, I am gone for over 10 hours before I workout.  It's hard to get home at 7 PM and only have two or three hours with my family before we have to start getting to bed so we can be up half the night taking care of a newborn.  I want to be home, I want to relieve my wife who has taken care of Eli all day.  Plus I want time with my son, just me and him.  The hours are limited and I am still working out that balance.  Balance is a great word for this because that is exactly what it is. Finding that balance between what I want personally and what I want for my family.  Laziness is not the answer, neither is waiting around to be inspired, because right now I feel like Beetlejuice when he is waiting for his 9,998,383,750,000 number to be called and they are now serving number 3.  It's time to make my own number 4.

Just sitting around waiting to feel good, or saying I will do that tomorrow does not push you any farther than the other side of the couch.  I am tired of feeling like crap and I have let this "funk" I have been in get the better of me.  It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself and get out there and make a difference.  Motivation and inspiration have escaped me as of late but I am on a quest to go and find them.  I am not sure where this journey will take me but I am finally prepared to start.